I don't understand...
Why do I live?
The only thing I'm good at is to make people sad or angry..
I hate everything...
I am always crying, I hate it!
I would do anything to just be normal...
I want to be normal..
But, I'm not normal.
I cut in myself so all the pain from inside is gone.
It feels good to have the pain on my skin instead in my heart.
Is that normal?
No, it's not normal to cut on myself so I can feel good.
It's not normal to make my father angry and my mother sad..
Sometimes just want to leave this place.
I just want to take a knife and end my and other's suffering.
But, I just can't..
I can't leave my family.
They mean everything to me.
I don't understand why I live..
Life should be full with happiness and joy but my life is full with sadness and hate.
I have cut on myself four or five times...
My arm is full with scars there will never go away.
Who want's a girl there is cutting in herself?
A girl there for one moment is happy and the next is sad and angry?
Who want a girl there is mad at others and herself for no reason?
I will tell you..
No want's a girl like that.
I have never had a boyfriend.
No man wants me because I'm fat and ugly.
I want someone to hold me when I cry.
Someone to kiss me and love me for who I am.
I wish that someday I will find a man like that.
But, that man only exist it my dreams.
I don't even have friends..
I have no friends to hang out with.
I'm always sitting my my apartment with my cat and turtle.
There was a time I had friends but then I lost contract with them after school, so now I have no one.
I'm getting used to have no friends.
I'm getting used to be on my own.
To cry alone.
To have no one telling me that everything will be okay.
At night when I'm lying in my bed, I can close my eyes imagine my life to be different.
I imagine my mother isn't sick.
I magine I'm not sick..
I imagine I have friends and a boyfriend.
but, when I open my eyes I'm back to my lonely life.
I know my family had expected so much from me.
But, then I got sick.
Everything went down from that day.
So many pills everyday.
I just want my life back.
Is it so much to ask?
I know my life wasn't perfect before I got sick.
But, it was better than this.
I should be well again within a year.
But now I have been sick for almost 3 years.
A year is so long for me.
I hope I will get better.
I hope that I one day can have a job and a family.
One day I will be normal...right?
Taken form my diary