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I don't understand...
Why do I live?
The only thing I'm good at is to make people sad or angry..
I hate everything...
I am always crying, I hate it!
I would do anything to just be normal...
I want to be normal..
But, I'm not normal.
I cut in myself so all the pain from inside is gone.
It feels good to have the pain on my skin instead in my heart.
Is that normal?
No, it's not normal to cut on myself so I can feel good.
It's not normal to make my father angry and my mother sad..
Sometimes just want to leave this place.
I just want to take a knife and end my and other's suffering.
But, I just can't..
I can't leave my family.
They mean everything to me.

I don't understand why I live..
Life should be full with happiness and joy but my life is full with sadness and hate.
I have cut on myself four or five times...
My arm is full with scars there will never go away.

Who want's a girl there is cutting in herself?
A girl there for one moment is happy and the next is sad and angry?
Who want a girl there is mad at others and herself for no reason?
I will tell you..
No want's a girl like that.
I have never had a boyfriend.
No man wants me because I'm fat and ugly.
I want someone to hold me when I cry.
Someone to kiss me and love me for who I am.
I wish that someday I will find a man like that.
But, that man only exist it my dreams.

I don't even have friends..
I have no friends to hang out with.
I'm always sitting my my apartment with my cat and turtle.
There was a time I had friends but then I lost contract with them after school, so now I have no one.
I'm getting used to have no friends.
I'm getting used to be on my own.
To cry alone.
To have no one telling me that everything will be okay.
At night when I'm lying in my bed, I can close my eyes imagine my life to be different.
I imagine my mother isn't sick.
I magine I'm not sick..
I imagine I have friends and a boyfriend.
but, when I open my eyes I'm back to my lonely life.

I know my family had expected so much from me.
But, then I got sick.
Everything went down from that day.
So many pills everyday.
I just want my life back.
Is it so much to ask?
I know my life wasn't perfect before I got sick.
But, it was better than this.
I should be well again within a year.
But now I have been sick for almost 3 years.
A year is so long for me.
I hope I will get better.
I hope that I one day can have a job and a family.

One day I will be normal...right?

Taken form my diary
One day..

Taken from my diary..

Year, I know it isn't a poetry but didn't know where I else should put it... :)

sorry if there is mistakes..
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growinluvhandles Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Student Writer
Writing this is a great way to get past it. I wish you the best of luck.

You are a child of the universe, and as such, you deserve love and admiration.

And yes, this is poetry. Very good poetry because it comes from the heart.
MagicalPictureMaker Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank so much! it means a lot to me :heart:
Thank you! :hug:
XeniaJenny Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist
Oh my Dear!!!!! :( I'm so sad for you, and your personal life... I used once (last year) to be like you... I was sick too (basically I had some phychological problems) and I didn't went to the school for one whole year... My life was a shit... everyday I was crying and all these things....
Don't worry, it will pass, and then it will be only a bad memory... Don't worry, everything is going to be okay!!! I really understand you!!! Feel so free to ask me anytime you want, just to say a "Love You".... I will be very happy to know that you will be fine... I want you to be fine, great!!!! :kiss:
MagicalPictureMaker Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
ohh hun! your words means so much to me!:heart:
I'm so glad you're feeling better now! and I hope I one day also will be better!
I'm so glad to have a friends like you! just there is someone there understands me means so much to me! my family doesn't understand what I'm going though, so I'm glad I have a friend like you to go to!

I'm sick of being sick...I have tics (involuntary movements) in my one arm and sometimes in both arms. These pills I get makes me angry and sad all the time...
My tics should be going when I'm around 20 years and I have just turned 19...I got the tics in 2010 but it wasn't much but then in the start of 2012 it became worse..I couldn't sleep because my arm all the time moved..
I'm better now, though the pills still makes me angry and I can cry for no reason..

I'm glad I have a person I can turn too, it means so much to me that I have someone like you! :heart:

Thank you, thank you, thank you...I can't thank you enough for your words and your suport..:heart:

I know with friends like you that I one day will be better, thank you:heart::huggle:

If you one day are sad then you can always turn to me! :hug:
XeniaJenny Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist
All will be fine!!! Don't worry!! :heart:

I may go to new school, get new friends, but sometimes I agry so much with my family.... Oh I just can't... But I'm mainly fine...

Don't worry!!! Just everything is going to be okey is some time!!!

Thank you so much for your kind words!!! :hug: As I said in the past, from the first time, which I met you, I felt so warmly with you, like I know you many years ago... And I can't... Only to send you hugs and lots od love, is the only thing which I can do!!! I love you so much, and I don't know the reason... Just I love you!!! :love: :hug: :kiss:
MagicalPictureMaker Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
nurrhh! I love you too hun!:kiss:
I'm so glad your are fine now! It feels like I have known you for years too and want to meet you so bad! :hug:
I'm so glad I have you and that you sends me hugs etc. it's enough for me..for just knowing you're there means the world to me :huggle:
Thank you again for your understanding! :kiss: :hug:

I love you!! :heart:
XeniaJenny Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist
Oh I want too, so much to meet you... :hug: I feel you so close to me!!! :heart: I love you!!! :heart: :kiss:
MagicalPictureMaker Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I love you too! :heart::kiss::hug:
Autor52 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013
Except the thing I hope it changes in time.
MagicalPictureMaker Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you, means a lot :)
Autor52 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013
Do you really feel like that?
If so, I'm awestruck now, and can't say anythin' further...
MagicalPictureMaker Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Year unfortunately I do feel like that..
Autor52 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013
I can only say I feel sorry to you now then.
MagicalPictureMaker Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you :hug:
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